Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Chapter Fourteen - Cotton Leads

Cotton, with the glimmer of Balthazar Romero within him, left the parking garage, on foot. "We've got things to see," he said.

"Take me, oh spirit," Balthazar said.

"Very funny," Cotton said. "But you're the one who's dead, remember?"

"I get a little confused when this happens," Balthazar said. "Being neither here nor there."

"That's where everyone is," Cotton said. "We imagine we're where we think we are, but we're really not, at least in the purely mental sense. We're always thinking ahead, or buried in the past. This is no great revelation. When a coach tells a batter to keep his eye on the ball, he's instructing the player to concentrate, keep himself in the present, so he knows how to react to the pitch, and not to what his team may need, be it a hit, or a sacrifice fly, or take a walk. He needs to know, of course, how he wants to hit the ball, but the batter also needs to calculate his chances based on what kind of pitch he's gotten, what the trajectory of the ball is. If he's not paying attention, he'll lose his chance to make a difference, and that's what he's there for, to make a difference, to either help his team, with an offensive favor, or hurt it. On the other side, of course, the pitcher and the fielders are thinking the same way, only their concern is defensive favor, and the game goes back and forth this way."

"Stupid metaphors," Balthazar said, in protest.

"Well, they may be stupid, but they're relevant," Cotton said. "Baseball is a game that captures the dichotomy of life. There are no good or bad sides, just opposing forces, and teams of various degrees worth rooting for, depending on how you decide to stake your interest, whether by region or individual personalities, or accomplishments. Yet the game forces you to choose favorites for specifically this reason, decide who is good and who is bad, because you can't support both teams in a game. Competition breeds this. And competition is the only thing that makes sense, is the only natural outcome of the rules of the game."

"You're trying to say that's why we have so many problems," Balthazar said, "in this world. Competition."

"Everyone's out to get what's theirs," Cotton said. "Darwin called it survival of the fittest. I don't see it that way. We don't need survival. We need cooperation, yet we get competition because human nature says the self comes before everyone else, even in works of charity. Charity is nothing more than a way to keep the cycle going. It's noble, but it's the same thing as heroics. Heroics are about doing the right thing, but too often heroics end up meaning compensation rather than cooperation. We treat each other as inferiors rather than equals, because it's easier. But it's what causes most of our problems. There will always be problems, because human nature also says we won't always get along, for one reason or another. But some of those reasons could easily be eliminated."

"Yet you still retain a costume," Balthazar said. "Don't you?"

"I do," Cotton said. "I made the decision a long time ago, to become a hero. I took on responsibilities, and those responsibilities had consequences I can't escape. If my absence, while I can still avoid it, causes further suffering, I will have perpetuated a cycle I have rededicated my life against. I already knows some of that waits for me even now. But I will not be the cause of that cycle perpetuating itself."

"It seems to me, if I'm at all capable of following your logic, that you can't avoid that," Balthazar said. "This cycle of yours, you didn't start it. But you can work to make it better."

"That's the general idea," Cotton said. "And you're right, withdrawing myself like this, I'm probably hiding, trying to pretend it isn't my responsibility, when it is, but at the same time, it isn't. It's a collective responsibility. Like you said, I didn't, in all actuality, start it, just another instance of it. I can't allow myself to assume the burden anymore, not as I once did. I've made a conscious effort to remedy my own weaknesses. For the moment, it means that I can't participate in the continuing struggle for which I am partly to blame."

"You talk in circles," Balthazar said.

"Maybe so," Cotton said. "I'm trying to make sense of it all. There's bound to be a few mistakes from time to time, miscalculations."

"I'm surprised you think you can afford them," Balthazar said.

"You shouldn't be," Cotton said. "Like I said, there was a time that the burden I assumed almost crushed me, and cost me more than I was willing to give."

"You're a reactionary," Balthazar said. "You justify your weaknesses."

"I wish it were that simple," Cotton said. "But nothing is. I wish you'd understand that."

"Well, it happens," Balthazar said. "Where are we going, anyway?"

"To see one of my failures," Cotton said. "You're already familiar with him, although you're not happy about it. his name is Lincoln Mather, but he's commonly known as Random Red."

"I'll call him Lincoln, thank you very much," Balthazar said. "Doesn't sound familiar."

"He will once you realize why he's called Random Red," Cotton said. "He wears a red cap. Your problem with nicknames is another thing you need to work on. You prefer things to be what they are, until you're comfortable with them. Stop distancing yourself. It does you no good."

"I hope you realize that telling someone to do something doesn't mean they'll do it," Balthazar said.

"Oh, I do," Cotton said. "The change comes from within. If you're willing to accept it, you will. There's no way to know until you know. But I can always offer advice."

"If only Tekamthi thought the same way," Balthazar said.

"You respect him," Cotton said.

"Yeah, I do," Balthazar. "Because he doesn't just talk. He's done great things."

"And you prefer to have tangible results," Cotton said, "even if the results are second-hand experience, something you were told about. You care about reputation."

"There's nothing wrong with that," Balthazar said. "A man has got to have faith. Or do you think there's something wrong with that?"

"Not at all," Cotton said, "Unless he chooses too carefully where he places that faith. Faith is not something you think about. Faith is something that finds you. You have to understand what faith is. It's the ability to trust, the ability to gain strength. It's not something you can use as a talisman, or further your own goals. You put faith in Tekamthi? Fine. What has that gotten you?"

"A desire to learn from him," Balthazar said.

"Faith doesn't teach you anything," Cotton said. "Try again."

"An example to emulate," Balthazar said.

"That's the same thing," Cotton said. "Try again."

"I don't need to play your games, man," Balthazar said. "Tekamthi is a great man. He's got things figured out. He said that you should do that yourself."

"If that's the case," Cotton said, "why do you need him for anything more?"

"Because I can't do it alone," Balthazar said.

"He said you needed to," Cotton said. "You don't trust him? You don't have faith in him?"

"I'm weak," Balthazar said. "Weak, okay? I didn't even go looking for him to find him. I went to him looking for you."

"And you've only found disappointment," Cotton said. "You weren't looking for anyone. You were looking for yourself, for the strength you need but you found you didn't have, despite what you had always told yourself. You need faith in yourself, Balthazar."

"Don't tell me what I need," Balthazar said. "I know what I need."

"You thought you did," Cotton said. "But then you found out you were wrong. No on likes to find out that they're wrong, Balthazar. Did you appreciate Tekamthi immediately?"

"I thought of him the same way I'm thinking about you," Balthazar said. "I thought he was a crazy old man who played games, who liked to pretend he possessed wisdom, when he didn't."

"You were disappointed," Cotton said. "Then you remembered everything you'd heard about him, and decided you were going to stick with that and ignore the man himself, reshape your experience with him to fit that earlier mode. Blind faith."

"You're wrong," Balthazar said. "I began listening to him."

"I wonder if you could tell me why," Cotton said.

"Because I found him to be honest," Balthazar said. "He didn't let me get away with--"

"Go on," Cotton said.

"My games," Balthazar said. "He didn't let me get away with my games."

"I take it that means something to you now," Cotton said.

"It does," Balthazar said. "My god, I've been playing games all my life. Games, like a little boy."

"We're all little boys trying to see what all the fuss is about," Cotton said. "Little boys are easily frustrated, aren't they?"

"I can't believe it," Balthazar said. "All this time. Why didn't I see it before?"

"We don't see the things we don't want to," Cotton said. "That's how we shape what we do. Early on, it's because we're simply not aware. But later on, it's because we don't want to be. It's easier not to be, because if we are, we have to decide what we're going to do about it. I was forced to long before I was ready."

"Hopper," Balthazar said.

"Exactly," Cotton said.

"That's what drew me to you," Balthazar said. "The trauma of it. And that made you become the Eidolon. Self-loathing. You couldn't accept that you'd actually saved a life."

"The traditional view would seem to contradict that," Cotton said. "But yes, that was the general idea."

"And he still doesn't know," Balthazar said, "Does he?"

"He think he does," Cotton said. "At least subconsciously. "There are many things we know that we do not outwardly accept. They threaten our tranquility, or our search for it. Hopper's tranquility rests in a journey he knows will never end, until he dies. It's what he wants."

"But that's not always what's good for us," Balthazar said. "Is it?"

"No, it's not," Cotton said. "But it's also not always harmful. There's so much to understand about life, but even if you never understand most of it, you'll be fine. That's what makes it so interesting. You can stumble through and be fine. That's what Tekamthi might have tried to tell you."

"I guess so," Balthazar said. "I'm finding, more and more, that just listening can be beneficial."

"It's a hard thing to do," Cotton said. "Especially if your first instinct is to listen only to yourself. You don't need a guide, but you can always use guidance, and find it, if you're looking."

"But damned if it still doesn't suck," Balthazar said, "trying to handle all of it."

"It can suck if you want it to," Cotton said. "You can always work on that, too. You don't have to let the negative outweigh the positive, and that's what you'd be doing, letting it. That's what I've been trying to tell you. You can't let it. You shouldn't."

"It's something to work on," Balthazar said.

"Everything is," Cotton said.

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